I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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