dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
