Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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