the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize