Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
