I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
