My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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