Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
