a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We left the knife in your bed.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
