Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
