I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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