Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
