I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
