and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Pooping to opera.
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