I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
