drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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