At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
