Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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