I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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