I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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