I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
