I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
