Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
