Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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