I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
