oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
