Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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