Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
