Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
