my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
