I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
