i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
