dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
