The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
