Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
