he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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