Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
