I wanna passion pit in your ass
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
