I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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