I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
