I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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