God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
