My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
there was a trapeze. enough said
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
