I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Randomize
