Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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