one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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