He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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