Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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