I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
