Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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