how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
