come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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