The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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